Humor

Dog Humor

DOG SHOW BARBIES

Dog Groomer Barbie
This Barbie is always brushing, trimming, clipping and bathing. Her only draw back is that she is constantly wet and covered with hair. Comes with clippers, grooming table, comb, brushes, grooming smock, lint brush and Band-Aids. This Barbie is so busy, her canine clients often look better than she does.

Dog Handler Barbie
She comes with a moveable arm which can be snapped into place for perfect show handling. No way to lose with this Barbie beauty showing your mutt. She will do anything to win. She has been known to sleep with judges. This Barbie includes the book, “How to Suck Up and Win”, a long with many pocketed outfits for showing. Motor home not included.

Dog Handler Assistant Barbie
She’s a handler wannabe who loves abuse. She is covered with hair, chalk and grooming spray. She comes with her pockets stuffed with assorted leashes, collars, combs, squeaker toys, and brushes. She is often seen with a variety of spray bottles hanging from her belt. She always smells of liver and has dark circles under her eyes. She has permanent leash marks on her hands from dogs whose owners insisted they were trained. She comes with all of the above plus a stress management video.

Dog Show Judge Barbie
This Barbie is looking for the right dog. After many years of picking “losers” for men, Judge Barbie is content finding “winners” in the dog ring. She comes with clipboard, granny glasses, frumpy dress, the AKC guidelines on the perfect dog, a white glove to detect foreign substances, sensible shoes and a current rabies shot.

Dog Show Chairman Barbie
A blunder on our part, this Barbie comes complete with a case of Lady Clairol, a prescription for Prozac and an unlisted phone number.

Junior Handler Barbie
She is always a winner in her own mind. She comes complete with a short skirt, a ponytail, and a bad attitude. Unfortunately her life span is very short.<.p> Pooper-scooper Barbie This Barbie has no sense of smell (for obvious reasons) and is a glutten for punishment. She comes with a pooper scooper, muck boots, an orange vest, a lighted miner’s helmet for those evening pickups, a sack of shavings, bleach, a mop and a bucket. She is often found surrounded by flies and “cleanup” is her middle name.She has a Certified Sanitation Engineer Degree through her local Community College.

Dog Show Vendor Barbie
This Barbie is not cheap and neither is her merchandise. She comes complete with a vending tent and sunscreen. She also has a variety of dog related items. If this Barbie doesn’t have it, they don’t make it.

Dog Show Photographer Barbie
This Barbie is truly a sight to behold. Her photographer’s vest is loaded with no less than fifty rolls of assorted film and a multitude of squeaker toys to get your dog’s attention. She never takes a bad photo and will refuse to shoot ugly dogs. If you mention her name in your ad, she will give you extra 8 x 10’s for free!

Whelping Barbie
This Barbie completes our line of Dog Show Barbies. She goes anywhere help is needed. She births babies at a moments notice. Comes with van, cell phone, dental floss, scissors, towels, goat’s milk, forceps, coffee, and a pillow for those endless nights.

PERFORMANCE DOG BARBIES

OBEDIENCE BARBIE
Barbie comes with a training bag full of gear, a set of utility articles, a full set of regulation obedience jumps, her own lawn chair, cooler, a subscription to Front and Finish, and her very own obedience Golden Retriever “OTCh Sparklepond’s Shorestepper’s Heelalong Fool” better known as “Two-hundred”. Accessories such as HIT ribbons and high scoring club plaques can be purchased separately.

TRACKING JUDGE BARBIE
Barbie comes with a polartec snowsuit, Gore-Tex raingear and boots, wool socks, leather tracking gloves, silk long underwear, sunscreen, bug spray, a baseball cap, a waterproof clipboard, mylar paper and space pens in three colors. She also comes with whistles in two different colors to match the snowsuit and rain gear, a complete set of tracking flags, a compass, and a set of 12 different tracking articles. Unlike most Barbies, this Barbie always has a “bad hair day” so it’s best to leave a hood or the baseball cap over her hair at all times. Included in the deluxe version is Barbie’s tracking dog “Pokealong’s Can’t Find Squat TD”, or “Sniffer”, a Siberian Husky who comes with his own harness and rope as well as a lifetime supply of hot dogs. Sniffer has been known to eat start articles with one gulp and turn the start flag into a large toy at TDX tests, grabbing it in his mouth and running in large circles around the field (especially when there is a large audience watching). This version also comes with a case of Valium for Tracking Judge Barbie for this very reason. This is the most expensive Barbie and most collectors prefer to leave her in the original box.

AGILITY BARBIE
Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this Barbie is quite muscular from hauling very heavy A-Frames, Teeter-Totters, and dog walks. She can carry an A-frame panel with one arm and set up all of the contact obstacles single-handedly. Barbie comes complete with a full set of agility equipment, lawn chair, cooler, stopwatch, battery operated fans, an open-sided tent for shade, sunscreen, bug-spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different agility rule books for all occasions, and her very own courier (Ken) who can hand deliver agility entries to the most popular trials and stand in line for Barbie. Ken also helps set up the equipment. Barbie also comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie ” U-Atch Runaround’s Speed Demon AX, AXJ, etc, etc, etc, BFD”, or “Contact”. Trailer for hauling agility equipment sold separately.

Last, but not least, the most popular one of all is the

DOG CLUB PRESIDENT BARBIE who comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color (to color her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a leather-bound copy of “Robert’s Rules of Order”, and a gold-plated gavel. The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly a 357 magnum which can be used to keep unruly club member under control or just get rid of them all together!

Four wheel drive Sport Utility Vehicles and Mini Vans complete with dog crates are sold separately for all versions of Barbie.

Off the internet – Author Unknown. Please let me know if you know!

Yellow Urka-Gurkas and other gross dog things

YELLOW URKA-GURKAS
Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture while making a prolonged “uurka-guurka, uurka-guurka” noise (the only noise guaranteed to wake up a dog lover who is hungover from a 3:30am post-dog-show celebration). After a mad scramble to capture the dog and drag him outside, the episode ends with an indelible line of slimy yellow froth from the living room rug to the back door.

BLAP DISEASE
Dog exercises hard and a) eats large mouthfuls of snow (winter blap disease) or b) drinks a bucket of water (summer blap disease). Within two minutes of returning inside the dog spews out large amounts of clear, slimy liquid, making a distinctive “blap” sound and sharp percussive noise as it hits the linoleum.

GARKS
Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic “gggark, gggark” noises, followed by a prolonged “iiksss” and then loud, satisfied smacking noises. There is nothing on the rug. Don’t investigate, you don’t want to know.

RALFS
Apropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits ’til the innocent dinner guests are all watching him. Then, with a single deep gut-wrenching “raaaallff”, disgorges the entire week’s contents of his stomach on the rug. Variation: he eats it.

In all of the above events, the dog is entirely healthy and indeed, deeply pleased with himself.

(From the Owner-Handler’s Association Newsletter, via “In the Ring”)

Obedience Trial

Satan entered a large building where a dog show was being held. Everyone, upon seeing the devil, ran screaming from the building. The only person left inside was a gray-headed gentleman seated down by the obedience ring. The evil incarnate spoke to the man saying “Do you know who I am?”

“Sure do” was the old man’s reply.

Hearing that there was no fear in his voice the devil asked “Do you know that I could destroy you with a word?”

“Possible” stated the Old Timer.

Becoming quite perturbed at the total lack of terror, the devil screamed “I COULD BANISH YOU TO HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY OLD MAN, WHY DO YOU NOT FEAR ME??????”

Unshaken, the man replied “I’ve shown dogs for forty years, I’ve gotten obedience titles on no less than a dozen dogs. I’m pretty sure that at least three of them were your children.”

— (author currently unknown)

Doggie Toes CLIPPY THING

Upstairs in momma’s secret drawer
she keeps a monster thing of horror,
they bite and try to eat our toes,
why they do that no one knows!

We bark and fuss and wiggle and squirm,
but our dad and momma hold us firm.
This thing of horror makes a noise
although it’s squeaky–it’s not like toys.

It’s a squeaky, snippy, clippy thing,
it has sharp teeth and a big strong spring.
Sometimes after it eats our feet,
we get something good to eat.

But one day when no one else is home
and we are left here all alone,
we’ll sneak it out and none will know,
we sent it where the odd socks go!

— author currently unknown

Holiday Etiquette For Dogs

Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

  1. don’t pee on the tree
  2. don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
  3. mind your tail when you are near the tree
  4. if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
  5. don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

  1. not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
  2. don’t eat off the buffet table
  3. beg for goodies subtly
  4. be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
  5. don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

  1. observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses.
  2. respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
  3. tolerate children
  4. turn on your charm big time